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Self Help: Stop Taking Things Personally (part 2)

There are 2 powerful self-help strategies you can use to remain confident and unflappable in the wake of hurtful events.

Strategy 1: Accept Your Fear

When you take someone's behavior personally, you feel rejected. You also secretly wonder if you 'deserve' his rejection. Both things make you you fear him or the consequences of his rejection (this emotion is also known as lack of trust).

Not taking his behavior personally requires you to master the fear that has been triggered in you.

The starting point of mastering your fear is to accept it, for when it comes to emotions, 'What you resist, persists. What you look at disappears.'

Example

Madison sought my advice when her fiance's parents tried to convince him he was 'rushing into marriage.'

Although the couple had been dating for years, his parents had always objected to their relationship because he was Caucasian and she was Asian.

She liked his parents, but was tremendously hurt by their actions. She was also afraid that he would be less enthusiastic about marrying her.

I asked her to write 5 different endings to the following sentence:

'If I were 5% more accepting of my emotions today--'

Upon seeing this sentence, she wept. She finally let in her desire to be loved by his parents, which she knew her finance desperately wanted.

Then she wrote her 5 endings:

• I wouldn't be eating so much today
• I'd realize it's Ok to be upset about what happened
• I'd stop trying so hard to win his parents' approval
• I'd see that my real fear is that he will reject me
• I'd have more confidence in my relationship with my fiance

At the end of the exercise, she dried her eyes and began to accept that while she wanted their approval, she may never get it, and this was Ok.

When we take something personally, we disempower ourselves with the following two assumptions:

1) We believe we are entitled to another person's approval (self-righteousness).

2) We believe we must avoid feeling rejected at all cost. We also believe the best way to avoid this feeling is to win another's approval.

Empowering ourselves means re-training our minds with new assumptions such as:

1) We are not entitled to another person's love, approval, or acceptance and

2) Rejection is a natural human emotion that we can manage using self-acceptance.

Empowering ourselves this way using self-help shifts us to the 'want, not need' mentality. We may want the other person's approval, but we don't need it to accept ourselves.

Madison's newfound objectivity came from her courage to accept her fear, paving the way for her to heal.

Next week, I will explain the final step in not taking things personally.

Your friend,
Lisa Brown

[ Part 1 | Part 2 ]

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It is the culmination of several YEARS of my personal research, trial and error, and refining success strategies.

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[ Part 1 | Part 2 ]

Advanced Self Help Institute
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